For folks who have been victimized by a break-up, seeking advice online might be a first step. However, stressed by the circumstances of the relationship, these people are vulnerable to unproductive and inaccurate advice. Often, they are seeking way to get back with an ex and instead get bombarded with calls to end the relationshp and move on, be an adult, et cetera, et cetera. While some relationships are not worth saving, so many forum respondents choose to promote a break up rather than encourage saving a marriage or any other worthwhile union.
The reason saving a marriage or a relationship should take precedence is twofold. Notwithstanding the fact that divorce rates are startlingly high at 50% for first marriages, 67% for second marriages, and 74% for third marriages, but to get back with an ex is often the most logical option for both parties.
The first reason is that the people who post on these forums do not understand the full circumstances of the relationship (ironically, they will privately bash the people they "help" and in the same breath condemn the high divorce rates). Why they discourage people from getting back together makes little sense -- and if you have ever seen these forums, you know that comments like "Dump that jerk, get rid of his stuff and get on with your life!" are so common. But understand that these posts are without foundation; they do not understand the details that led to the original post.
The second reason has to do with the fact that people who get "dumped" often act irrationally as a result of the loss of control. This behavior can complicate the relationship. Often, people get far too caught up in the emotion of the situation (which makes sense as we are emotional creatures) and instead of saving a marriage, they actually cause "structural damage." This can range from name-calling to phone- or text-message stalking. Keep in mind that the one who did the dumping never fell in love with a crazy stalker, so it is unlikely that this person will take a crazy stalker back. The situation calls for rational, logical thinking and behavior.
Ultimately, saving a marriage makes more sense than starting over because both parties have co-created a sort of comfort zone with one another. Building a new relationship from scratch involves a great deal of risk. Risk of failure, risk of something way too different. This is why most people are averse to change, even when change makes perfect sense. In fact, our psychological hard-wiring has made it easier for us to tolerate a relationship that borders on emotionally abusive than to start a new one. For some reason, most forum posters fail to understand this and instead recommend the more-difficult path.
In summary, forum posters who encourage a fresh start with someone new are essentially shifting the blame for the break up to the party who is seeking advice in the first place. Often, posters will try to point out general flaws in the offending party without having a full understanding of the relationship or circumstances surrounding the break up. As a result, it is always best to take advice on forums with a grain of salt, which is not always easily done in moment of heartache and desperation. Surely, most posters have good intentions, but their posts do little to mend a marginally broken relationship. By discounting the benefits to saving a marriage or other relationship, they are essentially encouraging avenues that only complicate matters further. - 15431
The reason saving a marriage or a relationship should take precedence is twofold. Notwithstanding the fact that divorce rates are startlingly high at 50% for first marriages, 67% for second marriages, and 74% for third marriages, but to get back with an ex is often the most logical option for both parties.
The first reason is that the people who post on these forums do not understand the full circumstances of the relationship (ironically, they will privately bash the people they "help" and in the same breath condemn the high divorce rates). Why they discourage people from getting back together makes little sense -- and if you have ever seen these forums, you know that comments like "Dump that jerk, get rid of his stuff and get on with your life!" are so common. But understand that these posts are without foundation; they do not understand the details that led to the original post.
The second reason has to do with the fact that people who get "dumped" often act irrationally as a result of the loss of control. This behavior can complicate the relationship. Often, people get far too caught up in the emotion of the situation (which makes sense as we are emotional creatures) and instead of saving a marriage, they actually cause "structural damage." This can range from name-calling to phone- or text-message stalking. Keep in mind that the one who did the dumping never fell in love with a crazy stalker, so it is unlikely that this person will take a crazy stalker back. The situation calls for rational, logical thinking and behavior.
Ultimately, saving a marriage makes more sense than starting over because both parties have co-created a sort of comfort zone with one another. Building a new relationship from scratch involves a great deal of risk. Risk of failure, risk of something way too different. This is why most people are averse to change, even when change makes perfect sense. In fact, our psychological hard-wiring has made it easier for us to tolerate a relationship that borders on emotionally abusive than to start a new one. For some reason, most forum posters fail to understand this and instead recommend the more-difficult path.
In summary, forum posters who encourage a fresh start with someone new are essentially shifting the blame for the break up to the party who is seeking advice in the first place. Often, posters will try to point out general flaws in the offending party without having a full understanding of the relationship or circumstances surrounding the break up. As a result, it is always best to take advice on forums with a grain of salt, which is not always easily done in moment of heartache and desperation. Surely, most posters have good intentions, but their posts do little to mend a marginally broken relationship. By discounting the benefits to saving a marriage or other relationship, they are essentially encouraging avenues that only complicate matters further. - 15431
About the Author:
As the Relationship Advisor for The Match Maker Review Samantha Fulcher supports saving marriages. The site's premium service that allows members priority access to Samantha's advice.
